I love everything that I am, but in this current phase of my life I’m hating myself.
Every single time the subject comes up, I end up like this. Every single time someone mentions commitment to me, I tense up and feel disgusted. But it’s just all my sadness. The sadness that I’m still waiting for that one girl to come and change it all. That still, I’m not over the memory of you and the impact you left. I want a girl that can match the happiness and excitement for life that you did. Someone with that same amount of chemistry at the least. I won’t accept anyone else for that reason. 4 years it’s been, and that’s not the problem really. The problem lies in my inability to compromise with myself. I’m selfishly waiting.
I’m back to my old SN now, the one I used for many years mainly. The reason being is that I only stopped using it because of Kristine, who blocked me because of drama that came across us. In my attempts to have a “new start” I created a new SN. All these years I knew it was such a ridiculous concept to just allow her to take over my mind and behavior. In a subtle way I knew it was my own facade flourishing in the midst of my anguish and sadness over her. Why I’m going back revolves around the fact that those were the best days of my life regardless, and try to hide from it really?
The only one that can ever bring me down to this level is you. You you you you you. Then again, is this my damn fault for not being able to get over it? So many questions again and again, and it’s always being traced back to YOU.
Why is this happening to me? Why am I growing more and more distant by the days. Why do I feel alone and isolated when there are supposedly people around me that care about me? Why do I feel they don’t care? Why do I feel a lack of motivation for everything? Why do I feel so lifeless? Why do I feel like all the fucking things I’ve always known and reminded about myself are just delusional lies and conspiracies of my mind. It’s as if everything is just going wrong. And for once, my mind is not enough to piece it all back and rationalize out.
The way things fall into place is not the same perspective shared with how things will end. In the process of action and planning, I get annoyed when people tell me “if it’s meant to be it’ll happen”. That is just utter bullcrap. With that mindset why do people complain then? If they themselves say that it’ll happen if it’s meant to be, they have no right to go against the final outcome. If you want something to happen you will go make it happen, not sit there and attempt to justify your lack of efforts with fate and hope alone.
From these words judgment falls upon my head. An executioner’s guillotine descends straight down onto my untainted image due to the words I state; my feelings enunciated through jumbled letters and words woven together through this metallic thimble of a keyboard. Here I am on tumblr, in the attempts to once again ‘express’ myself and join a community that supposedly has amazing people, and yet with that contains the stage 5 stalkers, also known as trolls. These trolls don’t live under a bridge though; they live under the protection of internet anonymity and douchebaggery, reverberating propaganda of disasters, missing people, and reblogging cycles. Reblogging. Oh how I despise this concept. A form of sharing one’s adept and insightful musings to the everyone else, at least that’s how it should have been. But rather then reblogging ideas and profound meanings, all I tend to see if reblogs of food and humor. In general the posts I see from people are posts of orgasmic food, humorous comic strips, and vague topical generic quotes from the fake Wiz Khalifa. All this site seems to be now is a social networking of itself, imitating the liking of posts, the sharing feature of reblogs, and the customizing of information about oneself. It’s no longer a writing site, but a righting site of judgment and bias in proclaiming that those you affiliate with this massive conglomerate are better than the rest. So here, judge me and hate me for speaking out, because my face is shown to you proudly, as my voice will continue to bellow loudly through my click clacking of keys I call blogging.
My first spoken word topic challenge, dedicated to Malissa! It turned out more to be a rant but oh well SHAHA